No, not me, just all of the people I’ve chosen for partners over my short 61 years. It all began way back when, the day I was born. Well, maybe earlier. I have never been sure if my mother wanted a child — or children. She certainly didn’t like men, and neither stayed with the first three to whom she married, nor was truly able to commit her love to them, or anyone else for that matter. My first feeling of major rejection came when I found out as a child that there was such a thing as breast feeding. Having never experienced it, only having witnessed it, I was devastated. What a bonding between mother and child. It was at that moment I decided that if I ever had children I would certainly breastfeed if possible.
I must interject that this writing is partially due to the movie that’s on in the background. ”Gaslight” is trailing on softly. I recognize the insincerity of Charles Boyer as the men to whom I’ve been attracted my whole life. Total incredulity as I watch my own life with my own Charles Boyers. My enthusiasm shrouded by their manipulation and deceptions. I know that sounds quite dramatic, but the story is quite unbelievable even in pieces. Within a few months, I will begin writing that story. A lot has been forgotten; a lot has been intentionally blocked. It must, however, come out soon.
Incidentally, I have been joyously pouring out the creative spirit for several weeks now, firstly with a black and white fabric piece, and secondly with a white with red, orange, gold and purple piece. I know that there will be a deep blue and white piece next, using some of the Japanese prints that have been in my stash for years. It would have been turquoise, but I haven’t found the countless turquoise pieces that I will use for embellishments.
I must say, I have never enjoyed attaching beads to fabric as I have over the past few days. At least in my memory, I have never enjoyed this so much. Oh dear, Boyer is starting his antics. Only 28 minutes into the movie and I already despise him. You know what? It is this beading with abandon that is so invigorating. I might insert the creation of a clay piece after I finish this white one. I must say, using what is in the apartment and not going to the shops to purchase anything is exciting and even fun!
And now I must leave you, as the white silk is calling me. Charles Boyer is into his despicable behavior. I am curious to see whether or not I feel this way at the end of the film. I do so love Ingrid Bergman.
Later………
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