hysterectomy + 11 months

This month’s reflection is a bittersweet memory.  A friend and my son took me to the hospital at 5:30am on September 29, 2008.  My friend is no longer with us.

My mother was there from the moment I went into surgery until I came out of recovery…. many hours. She, also, is no longer with us.

My two year man search (partner, lover, companion) ended in January 2009.  I moved from a house to an apartment mid-April 2009 in the interest of saving money.  Truly a difficult transition, not having lived this lifestyle since I was 18 years old.

I have recently made the decision to go back to work 100% time rather than 75% time.  I will get vested more quickly in this job, and will be able to have some time to finish my sort through of possessions before moving.

Oh yes, I have projected that by September 1, 2010 I will be living away from Sacramento.  I tell you this, because of all of the changes that have come between me and life as I knew it before the surgery. I do not know whether my moments of profound sadness were intensified by the total abdominal hysterectomy or not.  I do think that the times when I still have the PMS-type moods have caused me to be very introspective and make decisions for which I have been waiting for a very long time.  I think the trip to Washington state and the ensuing trunk show (fabric art) while there has motivated me into getting out of this hot (temperature) town for real.

Today’s temp?  103F.  It’s now just after 8pm and it’s still 91F.  Opening the doors and windows ushers in very hot air.  Not my idea of a ‘good evening.’

Oh yes, a good friend moved to another state…. and I didn’t do an art show this year yet.  Many decisions have taken place, including the action required to carry them out.

My body since surgery 11 months ago?  It is aging much the same as it was before the surgery.  My brain wants to do exercise, but my choice avoids it.  Swimming is my exercise of choice.  I get only an hour or so at the apartment complex pool on the weekends.  Perhaps when the kids go back to school, they will abandon the fun of the pool.  Besides, I will be coming home later in the evenings with the increase of hours….hey I just realized that it means more $$ in my pocket every two weeks.  Wow.  A bonus.

The art pours out when the muse strikes.  I have just gone through six unopened boxes from the move in April.  Senseless avoidance of stuff.  Saw a bit of ‘Excuses Begone’ — ideas of Wayne Dyer.  Bought the cds.  Will begin listening soon….. what excuse can I come up with if Dr. Dyer comes to my door to ask why I’ve waited so long?

The other day when I was purging the parents’ house of my mom’s effects, I found 8 boxes of random junk (mine that I had left in the garage when I sold my house two and a half years ago).  In one of the boxes was….. hmmm let me see…. maybe 10 packages of small kotex pads — something I had to use all the time prior to surgery, never knowing when I would be hit with a large flood of blood.  I was so happy that I no longer needed those ‘thangs!’

Seems since last year things affect me more intensively… though there are people who have proclaimed me “intense” for several years before the surgery.  I did not see it before surgery, as now I search for differences.  Was I really like that before?  Couldn’t have been.  Could I?

I no longer get into other peoples’ business.  I do not rescue others.  I have renewed acquaintance with an old friend.  A good choice.  I do truly try to see good in everyone.  Sometimes genuinely difficult.

My concentration is all on myself right now.  Is that ok?  You don’t have to answer that.

Libido is fluttering.  Perhaps if there were someone around all the time, I’d feel differently.  Kinda glad there is no one right now.  We might not survive this time.  There are times I want no one around me. Is that the result of the surgery or just my choice?

I have love for my art….. for the result of what comes out of my brain.  This is coming from a woman who is alone, but not lonely.  I do have friends.  I’m sometimes at peace and very happy.  The emotion is an interruption of the peace.  Do you understand?

You can look back at the other hysterectomy writings here to get details about the surgeon, the day of the surgery, etc.  Today’s approach is very different.

I have had quite a few very emotional days since my mom died.  Would my uterus and cervix and huge fibroids have allowed me less or more of that intense emotion?

My uncle’s wife is dying.  He is blind and can’t hear very well.  He clings to her.  They are both in their 80s.  I know he will die when she does.  Sadness pervades one’s senses.  There are times when I get just loopy…. I am in lala land.  Other times, my enthusiasm for life is phenomenal.  I am grateful for those times.  You know, I could never have survived these moments if I had not had the surgery.  It was my saving grace.  My grandma’s name was Grace.  My mom wanted to name me after her…. Grace Allegra.  But she didn’t.

I ramble.

About to finish the furniture arrangement of the living and dining rooms.  It’s taken 4 and a half months.  It will be a relief.  I have been making contacts up in the north western Puget Sound area.  I want to know people when I get there.  Along with the fabric show, I have been in touch with a couple of potters whom I will visit when there….. and also a couple of community music organizations. Looking forward to that.

I may write more later…….

That’s me today, having found a pot I made 30+ years ago.