patio garden…. August 30th attack

Today’s heat-inspired venture didn’t last long.  Heat-inspired because I knew that when I came inside from the patio, the room would be cool….. well at least not as hot as the 83F it is outside.  Seems my patio is one of the ones that has been recently replaced.  The previous fences went down to the ground.  The new ones, as lovely as they are, do not go down to the ground.  Since April when I moved in, my patio has lain fallow with the exception of the volunteer tree that is getting quite tall, and the maple I brought from my last place.  That lovely specimen is sitting atop a rarely used cheap barstool, that makes it look about 8 feet tall, when in reality it is but four or so.

I like looking outside at the ‘tall’ maple and the very green volunteer tree that serve me as screens to the outside world.  Soon, as the leaves fall from the trees, there will be a screen of branches.  From touring the place when the trees were leafless, I know that several upstairs apartments overlook my place — yes, yes at quite a distance, but still…. I know that the tenant would have to stand on their balcony to see anything at all, but I still like my pseudo-privacy.

Back to today.  There are several squirrels who take up residency here at this apartment complex, and at this time of year they begin their nesting materials search which means that they forage everywhere, including my now open market patio, since the new fences were put up.  My chore today was to block their ground pathways under the fence.  I have 40 some bricks that I bought shortly after I moved here.  Of course, the concept I had then is totally elusive to me today.  So I begin the task.  The ground is all higgeldy-piggeldy, uneven, and nothing fits as it should.  After laying 20 or so bricks, I decided that all will have to come out, and the ground will have to be graded to be more even.  Even as I sit here in the cool of the living room, I decide that perhaps I’ll do something totally out of the ordinary. I’ll cover the bricks with a bit of soil, then plant some unassuming ground cover that will grow and make me forget the uneven bricks.

Even better, perhaps I’ll just wall off the patio and forget it is out there.  It would be lovely to have a gateway and entrance to the apartment from the patio.  A safety issue, you say?  More expense to key the sliding glass doors?  Then why not French doors.  That would be beautiful.  Oh well.  I’ve been watching too much HGTV.  This is not my place to revamp.  It belongs to a property company, the likes of whom care not for their humble tenants such as I… the one who would adore entering through the patio instead of entering through the only door, located under the kitchen fan outlet of my neighbors — yes, dears. Directly above my head and to the right a little is a fast moving column of air that sometimes makes me gag severely.  I usually exclaim aloud, “Oh my God, what are they cooking today.  I’ve never smelled anything so revolting!”  It is, of course, a wasted effort since the cook in the place speaks little English, and this Hispanic food smells nothing like anything I have ever known to be cooked in the Mexican or for that matter, any homes I have known.

Wait, don’t tell me what it is.  I don’t want to know.

So, after countless minutes, my brick effort has come to a grinding halt.  The patio looks different — the plants are all moved to one side of the space.  I am inside typing, and getting ready to make some tea, all the while the temperature prepares to rise at least another 14 or so degrees today.  Seems this is not a patio day after all.  Maybe I’ll go sit out there when the temp has gone down.  Maybe midnight.

Oh gee.  Just remembered that I no longer have Mondays off.  I have to go to work tomorrow.  Not quite a bummer…. just a bump in the road to a goal.

The tea awaits.

Maybe I should have bought that fine screen that was already cut to 1′ high.  Now, that sounds easy.

Can one return bricks?  Ha ha ha ha ha ha ad infinitum

Later………….

hysterectomy + 11 months

This month’s reflection is a bittersweet memory.  A friend and my son took me to the hospital at 5:30am on September 29, 2008.  My friend is no longer with us.

My mother was there from the moment I went into surgery until I came out of recovery…. many hours. She, also, is no longer with us.

My two year man search (partner, lover, companion) ended in January 2009.  I moved from a house to an apartment mid-April 2009 in the interest of saving money.  Truly a difficult transition, not having lived this lifestyle since I was 18 years old.

I have recently made the decision to go back to work 100% time rather than 75% time.  I will get vested more quickly in this job, and will be able to have some time to finish my sort through of possessions before moving.

Oh yes, I have projected that by September 1, 2010 I will be living away from Sacramento.  I tell you this, because of all of the changes that have come between me and life as I knew it before the surgery. I do not know whether my moments of profound sadness were intensified by the total abdominal hysterectomy or not.  I do think that the times when I still have the PMS-type moods have caused me to be very introspective and make decisions for which I have been waiting for a very long time.  I think the trip to Washington state and the ensuing trunk show (fabric art) while there has motivated me into getting out of this hot (temperature) town for real.

Today’s temp?  103F.  It’s now just after 8pm and it’s still 91F.  Opening the doors and windows ushers in very hot air.  Not my idea of a ‘good evening.’

Oh yes, a good friend moved to another state…. and I didn’t do an art show this year yet.  Many decisions have taken place, including the action required to carry them out.

My body since surgery 11 months ago?  It is aging much the same as it was before the surgery.  My brain wants to do exercise, but my choice avoids it.  Swimming is my exercise of choice.  I get only an hour or so at the apartment complex pool on the weekends.  Perhaps when the kids go back to school, they will abandon the fun of the pool.  Besides, I will be coming home later in the evenings with the increase of hours….hey I just realized that it means more $$ in my pocket every two weeks.  Wow.  A bonus.

The art pours out when the muse strikes.  I have just gone through six unopened boxes from the move in April.  Senseless avoidance of stuff.  Saw a bit of ‘Excuses Begone’ — ideas of Wayne Dyer.  Bought the cds.  Will begin listening soon….. what excuse can I come up with if Dr. Dyer comes to my door to ask why I’ve waited so long?

The other day when I was purging the parents’ house of my mom’s effects, I found 8 boxes of random junk (mine that I had left in the garage when I sold my house two and a half years ago).  In one of the boxes was….. hmmm let me see…. maybe 10 packages of small kotex pads — something I had to use all the time prior to surgery, never knowing when I would be hit with a large flood of blood.  I was so happy that I no longer needed those ‘thangs!’

Seems since last year things affect me more intensively… though there are people who have proclaimed me “intense” for several years before the surgery.  I did not see it before surgery, as now I search for differences.  Was I really like that before?  Couldn’t have been.  Could I?

I no longer get into other peoples’ business.  I do not rescue others.  I have renewed acquaintance with an old friend.  A good choice.  I do truly try to see good in everyone.  Sometimes genuinely difficult.

My concentration is all on myself right now.  Is that ok?  You don’t have to answer that.

Libido is fluttering.  Perhaps if there were someone around all the time, I’d feel differently.  Kinda glad there is no one right now.  We might not survive this time.  There are times I want no one around me. Is that the result of the surgery or just my choice?

I have love for my art….. for the result of what comes out of my brain.  This is coming from a woman who is alone, but not lonely.  I do have friends.  I’m sometimes at peace and very happy.  The emotion is an interruption of the peace.  Do you understand?

You can look back at the other hysterectomy writings here to get details about the surgeon, the day of the surgery, etc.  Today’s approach is very different.

I have had quite a few very emotional days since my mom died.  Would my uterus and cervix and huge fibroids have allowed me less or more of that intense emotion?

My uncle’s wife is dying.  He is blind and can’t hear very well.  He clings to her.  They are both in their 80s.  I know he will die when she does.  Sadness pervades one’s senses.  There are times when I get just loopy…. I am in lala land.  Other times, my enthusiasm for life is phenomenal.  I am grateful for those times.  You know, I could never have survived these moments if I had not had the surgery.  It was my saving grace.  My grandma’s name was Grace.  My mom wanted to name me after her…. Grace Allegra.  But she didn’t.

I ramble.

About to finish the furniture arrangement of the living and dining rooms.  It’s taken 4 and a half months.  It will be a relief.  I have been making contacts up in the north western Puget Sound area.  I want to know people when I get there.  Along with the fabric show, I have been in touch with a couple of potters whom I will visit when there….. and also a couple of community music organizations. Looking forward to that.

I may write more later…….

That’s me today, having found a pot I made 30+ years ago.

yikes….

Tomorrow is hysterectomy + 11 months.  I must go somewhere right now, lay down flat on my back, and feel how I feel — figuratively of course……….. but maybe literally.  What do you think?

My next fabric piece will be physically started tomorrow morning.  I have found a really interesting piece to use as the background.  It’s quite ‘busy’ but I’ll compensate and use solid colors in the design.  Yes, I said all solid colors with lots of turquoise bits and pieces for decor/embellishment.  The brocade backing is orange with turquoise.  I’m excited and excitable!

Now, for that relaxing moment I was talking about earlier.  Hmmm………….

Later….

what would I wish?

If I could have anything in the universe, no holds barred, what would I want?

I have absolutely no idea.

Short list of possibilities:

to have been able to talk with my mom while she was dying;

move to Sequim, Washington tomorrow afternoon…. I want to tell them at work that I won’t be back on Friday;

sell every piece of art that comes out of my brain;

have a very large one room place to live in a cool climate — I didn’t say cold;

live like in the olden days when you could drop in on friends without calling them;

have all of my books… my wallpaper friends… around me again;

employ a cook and a housekeeper;

do gardening again without my knees aching;

play the oboe with the passion of Leon Goossens and John deLancie wrapped into one;

and none of this really matters, because I am still alive and grateful.

Loving all of you…………

large decision…

What is a large decision?  I toyed with calling it major, but it is truly large.

On September 1, 2010, I shall no longer be a resident of Sacramento, California.  I will move north, seeking a cooler climate, a small town, a place where I can walk to the amenities and leave the hustle bustle and extreme summer heat of this city behind me.  No real idea where I will be.  Thought it would be in the Trinity Alps in the area of Hoopa, along the river — such beauty is rare, but roads are treacherous, and I have no need for that sort of thought in my brain.

I have one year to go through my belongings, hoping to travel with my clay tools and glaze brushes, a sewing machine and some scissors (and probably some of the fabrics – silks and cottons – and embellishments I have accumulated over the years). I want to travel lightly.

Rather dread going through my books.  Right now, they are nearly all in storage, as are the shelves made for me by a friend over 15 years ago.  Interesting how he just looked at the boxes, looked at the wall, and made a perfectly wonderful shelf that held every book and every size perfectly.  Does anyone know Michiel Russian?  He’s the culprit.  I may have to take that shelf when I leave.  And perhaps some of the very old books I got in England.  So there is much for me to do.  I will not think on it as a huge task, but as a means to an end.

And now, I shall once again take my leave, for the brown clay calls, and I must complete yet another piece of pottery.

Later……….

in amazement I write….

Today starts with no responsibility toward emptying the parental home of my mother’s effects.  I can now do as I wish through this day without thought of what I have endured over the time between July 11th when she fell for the last time until today, the day after I completed my tasks pertaining to her death.

I declare a moratorium on the subject.  There.  See.  I am, for the next few whatevers, free of any charge given me or taken by me to resolve issues surrounding.

Today, I got up with the intent to finish the new brown pot I started last night.  I added a few coils, and had to stop to let it dry a bit so it wouldn’t sag into the bottom of the pot.  It’s one of those rather like the ones I did after returning from Tahlequah and Jane Osti last summer.  So, while waiting, I filled the dishwasher and pressed the start button, put on acceptable clothing for Target and went there to get a second rug the same as the first.  My desire is to fill the living room with carpet and not have edges bare.  We’ll see how that works out.

I think today is a limeade day.  Started out rather overcast…. quite lovely, actually…. and has now progressed at just after 10am to sun peeking through clouds and temperature rising slowly.  Someone at the store said upper 80s today.  It’s 59F now and usually that temp when I awake at 5:45 or 6am. Predictions for high 80s low 90s all week.  Is this some blissful weather sent from Alaska?

You will be the first to know that I’m planning to move 1 year from September 1st —- that would make it September 1st 201o, unless I reach my vesting period at my workplace before that time.  Could be any time between May and September, the system being what it is.  I will check out Sequim, Washington while in the area in November, and start the network.  Planning to get the old oboe out and start playing a bit again.  I’d like to do a rehearsal or two while in Washington while I’m there, also.  Must plan for the future.  Liking it.

Stephane Grapelli just bounced into my brain.  Reminded me of a concert I went to in England while pregnant with my son 25 years ago.  Grappelli was born in 1908.

Back to the waiting pottery…

Later……

c’est fini….

To the accompaniment of the jibber jabber of an 88 year old woman who lives close to and has known my mom and step dad for a hundred or so years, I took my stored boxes out of their garage this morning. In the end, I took my 8 boxes to the storage place, but brought two home — papers to go through.  They are in the trunk of the car.  I’ll bring in a handful each time I return home from somewhere. Should take a couple of weeks to get through them.

It is indeed finished…. at least my part in this phase.  Please listen to this wonderful rendition of ‘Es ist vollbracht.’

original German:

Es ist vollbracht!
O Trost vor die gekränkten Seelen!
Die Trauernacht
läßt nun die letzte Stunde zählen.
Der Held aus Juda siegt mit Macht und
schließt den Kampf.
Es ist vollbracht!

English translation:

It is accomplished!
What comfort for suffering souls!
The night of sorrow
leaves now for the last time.
The hero from Judah conquers mightily
and ends the battle!
It is accomplished!

I am going out for coffee and a pastry with a friend.  She has been my listening post for weeks. Gratitude is heaped upon her!

Later…………..

disbelief….

Sam and I went to my mom’s as planned today.  We packaged her clothing and some other personal effects, and did the donation thing.  I packed my set of china and, with Sam’s brute strength, took it to our storage unit.  I think I own the building, having had stuff there since we returned from England in 1986.  It really is a lovely indoor storage place, temperature controlled.  People have their personal wine cellars here in the second floor below ground.  Companies, school districts, and big people (hahahaha) have their papers archived there.

Tomorrow morning early, I will drive to the house again, and go into the garage and get those few plastic bins of my personal stuff I put there when I sold my house in 2007.  My stuff is buried under a large amount of randomly piled extraneous crap that is not mine!  Should take less than half an hour.  Going by myself, so planning on leaving garage door open.  Must remember to take out a couple of things from the car trunk prior to leaving here, so I have maximum room.  Can’t really remember what’s over there in that garage, but will by 9am tomorrow have set my mind at ease by removing it from the premises.

Missing JJ.  By the way, that dear John message was not for you but for a John here in Sacramento!

Update tomorrow morning.

Later, dear ones………………..

dum duh duh duuuuummmmm……

(shouted with enthusiasm throughout the three surrounding counties) Yes, dear ones, the red, black and white fabric piece is finished.  I have hung it up at work.  Comments such as, “Oh, they are aliens, and I can’t tell if they are pulling the central piece apart or if they are being pulled in — and those pieces in the corners are very powerful!” and “very primal….. it’s primal.”  Fascinating what people see in a wall hanging.  I’ll bring it home for the weekend and apply the silk and bead label on the back….one of my favorite parts.  Then I’ll attempt to take a couple of photos of that and a few others for posterity, whoever he is.

That’s all.  Just heard a bit of Bach on a website, and now have to make a couple of Bach purchases over the weekend after Sam and I finish clearing parents’ house of my mom’s personal effects.  That happens today.  Bach centers me as no other music in the known universe.

Here’s one for you…..

Later, my friends………….

soccer field outside my window…

Yes, as odd as it sounds, some very large but not very mature young men decided that the open grassy area outside my apartment window would serve them well as a makeshift soccer field.  It was the same group that had made the swimming pool inaccessible to elderly folk and parents with small children this afternoon.  Interesting, because there was a baby shower going on this afternoon in the community room, just a glass door away from the pool.  And these guys voices and at times questionable language, I’m sure penetrated that oh-so-thin glass.  

I don’t mind so much the little kids outside on the grass playing, but these big guys….. just not acceptable.  One swift kick of the soccer ball into one of my windows would make me less than happy. I’ve already decided that if the ball should ever come into my patio area, I would not bother to go out and get it.  Would that cause a ruckus leading one of them to bash my door down, or another to jump over the patio fence to fetch it?  The other thing I will do, is charge the management for destroying any plants that might get damaged.  Ooh…. I’m so mean.

But then, when one is taking a well-earned nap in the afternoon, is awakened by soccer field shouting outside one’s window, one is allowed to get a bit grumpy.

Why do I fear retribution?  Who the heck knows.  I just feel these young men might be a little less than happy with the situation.  Anyway, it’s dark outside; they have all found suitable places to wreak havoc.  Who knows if they even live here.

There has been a lot of loud noise coming from surrounding apartments today.  I did see a 24-pack of empty Corona bottles in the get-me-out-of-this-place walkway.  Between the bottles, shoes, bikes, scooters, Barbie dollhouses and several other items, it is difficult to get out of and in to my place sometimes.  I am only concerned for my own safety.  Obviously no one else is.

Time to shut down, or go back to the living room and watch Cake Boss.

Oh, yes…. and I have a bellyache!  

Later…………