Ok, so I might as well change the name of this blog to M E N. That’s all. Men, men, men. So tired of the game; continuing to muse on why I’m still in this game……. and it is indeed a game. You can be whomever you want to be, say whatever you want to say, open whatever doors you want to open and leave all else closed. Whatever suits you!
A most sincere man whom I met three weeks ago took me to Waterboy downtown Sacramento for lunch. Aside from the fact that I nearly bit the dust crossing the street…. left my glasses on so that when we were confronted with each other my view wouldn’t be a blurry mess. I wanted a clear first impression. The lesson I learned was that I’d rather have a blurry view of his visage than have a fall on the tarmac street outside Joe’s Urban Eats where, when I turned around after the near fall (!!), to a man and woman, each looked horrified as though they had seen someone cheat death. Perhaps they were disappointed that I didn’t fall again on both knees, hands and allow my head to bounce on the road. I can hear some of you saying…calm down sister, take a chill pill (does anyone say that any more?).
People love to see others in humiliating situations, hence the popular reality tv shows. But no. I was not going to give them the satisfaction, so I rose up from a 45 degree angle from the street. There should have been thunderous applause. But me… all I could think of was THE MAN waiting for me across the street at Waterboy! Have I learned nothing? He was sitting at the bar when I arrived….a man purported to be a wine expert of sorts, having worked PR for a major Napa Valley company for more than two decades. He didn’t even see me do my uprighting trick on the street. Didn’t even see me coming in the door, he was so fascinated with himself at the bar. He was impressed with the joint (I picked where we were to meet), but probably got sick afterward because he had the sweetbreads as an entree rather than an appetizer. More fool him.
Ok. Here’s the rub. He’s contacted me a few times over the past few weeks, always with an excuse. If you don’t like me, don’t want to see me again…… just freaking say that. I’m a grown up with two whole years experience of this online crap, ready for the worst at a moment’s notice. So the other night I get an email brush off…. and I quote,
“I have been passive agressive, and am just learning that.
I need to tell you are a lovely woman but the miles between us are too great.
I have – rather neurotically - given you the wrong signals to the effect that i was indeed ready when i am not. I then felt a need to move back and away.
I apologize. You are much too lovely, talented, sexy and kind.
I am just not ready for a relationship.and I seem to be more comfortable with the flirting,and distance of on line.
Please forgive
xoxox “
We’re obviously on different levels of the game. Or rather, he’s rented it at Hollywood Video and I purchased it months ago. Or perhaps I bought it. Think?
And then there’s the legit guy from SoCal who just wants a f___ buddy. 65, semi-retired engineer, no sex at home, marathon runner, hiker, etc. etc. etc. Some guys will try just about anything. I dare not tell you more, for he would rather his wife not find out. F__.
The ones on this Seniors online meeting site are some of the worst I’ve met. At least on the more explicit sites you know what a person has on his/her mind, and is interested in that as part of the future. Get me?
Then my stoic buddy in Chicago who is there for me through thick and thin. I don’t have to say more.
A fairly new man in Montreal is cute, fun, smart, and talks the way I like. I have learned a lot from him. When I asked whether has ever met anyone he has found online. He said he had met two people from online. TWO…..TWO, did you hear that. Geez, I feel like a — oh never mind what I feel like. Anyhow, after the disappointment of these two, he has vowed never to meet anyone else from online, regardless of the attraction, etc. That was a wake up call. I know that I turn away from the computer nearly every time I’m on, and say that I’ll never meet that person, so doesn’t matter what I say or do. Aw heck. The only person who’s suffering in this case little old me. Mr. Montreal will stay on my list. Dang me….. Roger Miller, remember him?
Honk honk. What am I doing. Sometimes I do wonder.
All I really know is that I have made a major decision. I am having this monster sized uterine fibroid removed from my warm welcoming body on September 29. Yes, there are alternatives, believe me I’ve tried many. True to form, my new gyn/surgeon finally gave it to me straight. Even if it shrinks to half the size it is today (a bowling ball in my gut), the bleeding will continue. There is a cure. Rip me open and hack it out. Ok. I don’t really feel like that any more. I will be grateful to be rid of something that has caused me discomfort and nausea and to have to get larger sized clothing. Sam (son) seems to think I’ll have a concave abdomen when it’s over. Not unless I get a tummy tuck. Kate (massage therapist) said that after surgery, I would have to start wearing high heels so that I would not fall backwards.
After the surgery, I will be off work for 8 weeks or so…. the months of October and November. Then back to work? May be getting the boot from work. More on that later. Downsizing? When there are three faculty openings? Give me a break. So, my dears, I have reason to go back to my college-given name, Frieda-Freak-Freely, cause I’m freaking out a bit. It gets better when I talk with the new woman counselor at employee assistance, or my life coach, Lisa D., or Erin, or oh don’t make me list everyone.
As the date for the surgery draws near, I will ask for healing thoughts, prayers (if that’s your method of communicating with the universe), and hope for the future. I know I am close to being able to do this on my own, but for now, I am acknowledging that everyone else’s help will go a long way for me.
Must finish cleaning the kitchen. Chaos in the house is not my style, yet it is in chaos. I’ll get back here more often now.
I’m distancing myself from the game….. the man game….. the mancapades….. the man-ic phase. I have acquired considerable knowledge, and have had to leave some things behind in my wake. More on that anon, also.
Later………….
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