euphoria, hurrah!

Ok.  I seem to be going outside my usual realm of influence….. or is that sphere of influence?  Slept well last night, decided not to go out early this morning to get the car washed for the guy who will be driving it while I’m gone.  

Can hardly believe that one day the skies will return to blue here.  There are so many fires in the surrounding areas I can hardly breathe.  I hear it’s been raining in Oklahoma nearly every day.  Humidity and temps soaring.  Yippee!

I sit here quite euphoric, wondering what tomorrow will bring.  Yes, dear ones, it is tomorrow that I leave on this adventure holiday.  Last night we decided to call it our “Magical Mystery Tour.”  Then we both laughed like idiots!  There can be nought but good come from this experience.  And yes, ladies and gentlemen, it begins at (as one of my colleagues says) the butt crack of dawn.  

Time for me to leave for my massage this morning…. running energy to be sure everything is in working order, then a bit of conversation and away to the acupuncturist/herbalist.  I love all this stuff.  My son has to wait for third place today.  Probably lunch at River’s Edge.  A friendly place where just being a regular customer has it’s advantages.  Then home to pack.  I sent a few things ahead of me so I wouldn’t have to carry so much.  I like that idea.  Worth the few $$ it cost for the relief of a small suitcase – perhaps even the carryon will be enough.

I will write again soon.  Either tonight or from OK when I get there and have taken in the situation – that will most likely be Sunday evening….. late.

Later…..

hittin’ the skies…

This time tomorrow, I will most likely be partly in disbelief, partly in wackanator mode, for on Sunday morning, I am off to Oklahoma. Interestingly enough, my son decided not to go.  It was originally for him that I finally decided to go.  Now, with two weeks off work, I am going alone!  The plans are totally awry from those made a couple of months ago.  I’m chuffed.  Happy.  

Are you going to ask the question?  Of course I’ll be meeting a man there. What would life be without the constant meet, meet, meet of possible lovers, friends.  Yesterday brought the ubiquitous pedicure (red polish), manicure (short nails, no polish), and hair trim.  HAIR TRIM????  Yes, it was the first trim done outside my bathroom in many a year.  I like how it looks.  I told the woman I had watched her cut many peoples’ hair and that because of that I was willing to trust her with mine.  She cut the back in a lovely U shape, and even cut the front around the edges, which caused the curl to return.  As I left the triple duty shop, she said, “Now your hair has a style!”  And she’s right.  Not only that, she didn’t even trim off an inch as she had wanted.  She did about half an inch.  Took about 10 minutes.  Loved it.  

I’ve learned to treat myself well over the past year or so.  If I don’t do it, who will?  We are our only advocates in life.  

Had a desire to light some candles tonight… some stinky ones, but didn’t.  

I truly must go to bed now.  I’ll keep in touch during the trip.

later……

 

 

no regrets…

tell the boys I was here

they know me, they’ll know why

best friend said, 

To thine own self be true

 

I wrote it on the wall

with a pink sharpie

I see it every day

makes good sense

good bye darlin’….

Well, saying I’m sorry is not always easy. 

I’m sorry to those of you to whom good bye from me may come as a shock.  I have signed out of Yahoo Messenger for the time being.  I can no longer live with the fact that in my mind I had already said goodbye to everyone from the online experience of 2007-08, yet still had three hangers-on who would communicate periodically, and one, as you know fairly regularly — yes, my virtual lover (his term) from England is history. This may come as a surprise to him, but I had to do it.  I no longer exist in a virtual society.  And when his real kinky side started coming out over the weekend, I jumped back…… way back.  I’m not afraid of that side of him, just surprised it took so long to expose himself for what he really wanted.

Ok.  That’s it.  All I can do is shake my head and realize just how much in denial I was.  I have my friend, LD from Chicago to thank for this.  After spending several weeks under her tutelage, she has ingrained many things in me.  One of the many is a sense that I have value.  I am not something to be sneezed at…. I am a woman of worth.  I bring many things to the table…. to a relationship.  And best of all, I am learning how to receive.  I never thought I would be able to do that graciously.  

I do a lot of smiling, a lot of laughing.  I am on the threshhold of a dream.  You all remember that little scene in Land Before Time — “I flied!”  If you remember, you remember.  If not, you don’t.  I feel like that little creature.  Flying is much more fun and is more wonderful than I could have ever have imagined.

The friends in my life right now are very special.  I have friends!  Not sure I really knew what a friend was before E, N, J and C “got big.”

Lest I get all smushy and forget the purpose of this session, let me say that the men I am separating from have all come from the same source…. the same website (which I will not share here).  That is the main reason I have to leave them NOW.  There is no future.  I cannot f____ a screen.

Ok.  Ok is a good segue.  I am leaving for OK in a little over a week.  Yes, there will be a man waiting for me at the airport…. truly the very last in the immensely long line of people I met via the internet.  And yes, it was the ubiquitous Match.com.  No more now.  I will write from OK and keep you informed.  This is not virtual.  This is freaking real.  Hmmmm……..

And now, I go to the clay studio to finish glazing one more pot before I go on my vacation.  I will take it and the six seed pots I glazed yesterday to class tonight.  It’s so hot here, I could probably just leave them in the car in the sun and they would fire in there!

Off to the studio.

Adieu, mes amours.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vFoIdxLBm_A

later……..

get ready for the summer solstice….

Yes, dears.  It is nearly time.  The solstice is upon us with this year promising to be a doosy or is that doosie?  

At 3:59pm on June 20, 2008 in Sacramento, the sun will still be up.  Where will I be?  Considering my preparations for the trip the following week, I will most likely be crazy at work making the last attempts at finishing the fabric commission for my friend’s bathroom.  What does the solstice mean to you?  It is a private and personal thing or me.  The beginning of summer represents a time for purification, renewal of the self, a time to release the sadness, fears and pains from your life. A time for purification and renewed energy. So let me, lest I forget, wish you a bonne one!  

A busy day today……. spent a few hours in Davis with the Knitting for Peace group celebrating in Central Park while many were at the Davis Farmer’s Market.  Got there about 10 after having worked on fabric at home, got some copies of a document I needed, sent off some important postal items, got a bit of breakfast, and started driving west toward Davis.  It was great following the shade of a great oak tree until 12:30pm.  We had several comments…..”Hey, man, you guys are cool.  This is the neatest thing I’ve seen in a long time,” was spoken by the man who was wreaking of pot, and possibly was still smoking from the sight of billowing smoke around him.  One man carrying his little daughter shouted, “You shouldn’t knit in public,” and walked away laughing.  And yet another handed Erin a pink piece of paper and said, “Hey, tomorrow I’m doing a concert for peace out here, and it would be great if you came and knitted, or maybe even just came to the concert.”  A good time was had by all.

Had lunch with Sam, my delightful child, after Davis.  Needed some cash, and still have not received my new check card – you remember the one with the fraud charge on it a week or so ago — the Dale Jr. necklaces. How could you forget?  So Sam loaned me some $$ until I get the card and can get to the bank to repay him.  Then went to the store for some maroonish thread.  I have nearly every color in the world, but no freaky deaky maroon.  Used it tonight.  Was good.

Had another 5+ hour conversation with Oklahoma man last night.  Convo contents are private, but suffice it to say all is well.  More than well.  I was given good wishes re: the situation this morning by a friend’s mother whom I had only met today.  She was the last person I would have expected those thoughts from, but she seemed quite genuine.

Finally, I am truly loving working on this fabric piece, but find it nearly impossible to replicate actual sunlight, even with the two special lamps I have in that room.  Tomorrow morning, I need to take the stuff outside to the other studio, so that I can have sunlight all day.  Makes it so much easier to work with the fabric.  Well, it means I can SEE it!

Have to schedule the days between today and the 29th when I step on that airplane.  A few acupuncture treatments, a couple of massages, have to cancel mail delivery and the Farm Fresh to You deliveries for a while…. and perhaps only 30 or more other things (a severe underestimate, I’m sure).  

Plied through a closet where I had been putting away folded clean laundry other than underwear and sheets and towels.  Goodness.  I should not have to purchase any more clothing until…… well for a heck of a long time.  I found things I had put away when I was expecting a guest back in April, and another in May.  Crazy woman.  

Thinking seriously about putting together a series of stories about the mancapades.  Any thoughts? Looking into the intellectual property issues right now to see if I can use excerpts from emails and some instant message quotes.  Don’t worry, guys.  I will let you know if I am going to include your stories….just as Barbara Walters did – the day before publication!

I’m really tired today.  Lots of activity – mostly the brain type, but a bit of walking, too.

Tomorrow is find some new shoes day.  Yes, I have Birkenstocks of every style and colour, and a couple of pairs of New Balance for walking, but need something in between.  Something comfy for walking – something that doesn’t look too Birkenstocky or New Balancy.  You know the deal.  Two places to look, then I go crazy and make myself some shoes out of fabric or something.  And I have to get some shampoo and stuff – and those dumb little bottles for the airplane.  Everything I had was confiscated when I came back from Washington last year, and I haven’t replaced anything.

It’s off to bed for me, dear friends.  Eyes are closing while the fingers continue to type madly.  

There’s a lot I want to do.  There’s a lot I will do.  In the mean time, listen to this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=elXJLeOh9VU

Now you’re officially grounded….centered.

later…………

slicing oranges…

Considering the time….7:08am. and I’m usually at work before 7 — I would dearly love to stay home.  But I’ve already wrapped the present for the workplace baby shower at noon, and have cut up oranges into slices for my contribution to the potluck.  I know.  Pathetic.  Everyone loves orange slices.  There are enough for 12 grown men to stay healthy for a week.  Vitamin C boost anyone?

Last night was a rough one, until I wrote the words here.  From here I went to the fabric studio and fixed the borders.  The maroon silk edge of the top merges with the maroon and orange brocade backing.  I love it now.  There is something about this piece that makes me shake my head.  I have now to apply the embellishments.  Hoping to do that prior to leaving for Oklahoma in two weeks.  

Knitting in Public tomorrow in Davis.  Our Knitting for Peace group is going to be at the Davis Farmer’s Market from 9:30am – well actually at the north end of the park lounging about, knitting and nattering. The K4P group has made several blankets.  We each make small squares which are then sewn together and finally donated to the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit at UC Davis.  There are some lovely stories that go along with the blankets which are all made of cotton.  Lately, however, I have donated very few squares.  I have been spending my time in the studios.  Periodically I come out from under the mounds of clay and fabric to grab the knitting needles and knit – what some are calling the 21st century meditation.

Ok.  I’m going to work.  This morning I was so happy with my box of organic produce that is delivered mysteriously each Thursday night by faeries (?) from the Farm Fresh to You group in the Capay Valley not too far from here.  They actually deliver to your door…. none of this having to pick the stuff up at a central location and having it sit in the sun all day ’til you get there.  There were nectarines and yellow squash, apricots, kale, collard greens, strawberries, carrots and best of all A BUNCH OF LAVENDER!  My absolute favorite.  Give me lavender and I’m yours forever!

I do love not having to go to the store for produce.  It keeps me from buying things I really don’t want or need.  Sometimes I don’t have to go for more than a week.  

When is this woman going to work, you must be thinking.  Now.  I should get dressed first, but perhaps that would cause a kerfuffle (help with the spelling?) so that the workers might all get to go home early.

I can always dream.  And that I do, my dears. 

later………….

could it be the needles?

Today was my second session with the acupuncturist.  Tonight, I have a feeling of absolute devastation going through my body.  I’m hot, I’m a little less hot, I’m crying, I’m laughing.  I’m thinking of old loves, old lovers, unrequited loves, unrequited lovers, those with whom I’ve shared my mind, my body, my spirit, and those who only know me through photographs and the sound of my voice.

Spent much time last night agonizing about why I have rejected so many over the months.  I can think of two reasons after all the thinking, and they happened simultaneously.

1.  This gentleman from Oklahoma has taken my heart.  He is good.  Very good.

2.  I’m ready for someone.  All this time, I thought I was ready.  Nope.  Just happened this week.

No, this writing will not stop.  On the contrary, it will most likely increase since I will soon be on vacation with time to write and sew and do all kinds of things.  I hope to visit the pottery studios of Jane Osti and Mike Daniels in Tahlequah, Oklahoma, as well as touch the soil where my grandparents and great grandparents trod.  I wish to go to the Wichita Mountains Wildlife Refuge that was nearly in their back yard. Mt. Scott and Mt. Sheridan are calling me to them.  

I am soaring with the eagles right now, finally realizing that the way out of the pit is not to claw your way out, but to fly out.  I had all the tools all the time and just didn’t use them.  Silly girl.

Why not soar with me, my dears?  Let your tears fall, cleanse your spirit and follow me to the heights.  Take this link and watch the people who come up on stage.  Fascinating.  They were flying at that moment, too.

We can all do it, you know.  It is all there in front of us…. we need to take time to see it.

So come on…. test out the wings.

Fly, baby, fly.

I’ll see you in the sky.

xxxto my J

later……….

one hell of a guy

Just felt like writing about a guy I’ve written to for quite a while.  Yes, I said written to, as I’ve never actually met him.  Trying to remember…. sometimes it doesn’t actually matter who contacted whom first.  If you write long enough, who cares?

J is a very, very sweet man who has given me some of the most honest, thoughtful encouragement I have ever had from anyone.  Of course we’d love to meet.  Why not?  I’ve met so many men over the past months that I think I have a new form of plague.  It is settled down now.  More on that later. 

Part of the fascination is that J is from England.  From the north, actually.  We have met on Yahoo Messenger, both with and without audio and video.  Let me tell you — if you haven’t experienced the freedom (and I do mean free) of seeing the person to whom you are speaking, of hearing his voice and his wonderful northern accent, you haven’t lived.  He makes me laugh.  He makes my cry.  We imagine the time when we will have our first meeting…. in England, of course because he’s MARRIED!

And that’s where it gets complicated.  I have vowed to myself…. a very strong vow …..  to leave married men to their wives and families, regardless of the sad stories you have heard.  If he can not work it out, then get out, or just be quiet about it.  I admit I ask questions once in a while, especially when she’s in the house and he’s in the study all hot and bothered.

Of course, I love hearing about England and am determined to get back over there even if merely to say goodbye to the country where I lived for close to 10 years.  To have someone like J over there urging me to visit so that we can have the grandest f___ in the history of man and womankind is terribly inviting, as is the thought of his 6′4″ body with it’s warm, loving appendages, with one in particular that is freaking spectacular.  Use your imagination.  I’m not telling all.  

As one would imagine, it would not be forever….. only for some of the time I would be visiting.  What if I got really emotionally attached.  What if I couldn’t bear to leave, and cried for the rest of my life?

The high school French he lets me use to talk with him at various times is sheer luxury.  He has business in France, and is quite fluent.  Yes, French still has the same effects it is supposed to have.  

So, my dears, help me out here.  Thoughts on virtual lovers?  Thoughts on the actuality, the reality of meeting?

And now, since I’ll be meeting another man at the end of June, in all reality, where does that put J?  A truely virtual lover?  Mutual m’bating?  How far will that get me?  I want the skin, the body, the warmth, the toenails scratching my leg, the round, soft-as-silk butt in my hands, the close chat, and the sound….yes the sound.  I’m very, very serious about all of this, sweet ones.  

It is so lovely to think that I may one day meet BIG J, but the true reality is that even if/when we meet, knowing that it will be for a brief encounter, is it truely worth the pain of ending as we begin?

Do I return to an old lover and say, “Hi there.  Remember me?”

later………