I’m finding myself feeling less than at peace for a few days now. A sort of merry-go-round of values, of emotions, of mice and men.
Watched a film called Brooklyn Lobster – a sleeper in the movie houses. Brought this woman to tears at the end. Perhaps it was the sight of Danny Aiello and Jane Curtin aging before my eyes; perhaps it was the plight of the small business owner, nearly a thing of the past.
I think, most of all, it’s the freakishly hot weather here in Sacramento. I think it could reach 105 or so today. Yes, I said 105 degrees F. It was blistering hot at 4pm yesterday, and today, May 16 promises to be even hotter. Yoikes! Not too keen on that at all. This is unseasonably hot for May.
Believe that I’m having the slightest bit of difficulty with the ceasing of communication with the online blokes. I realized last night on the way home, that it is a sort of friendship circle. They are always there, at your service, 24/7/52/365(6), perving women or other men on THOSE websites. There is always a friend ready to talk. You make friends fast on those sites. You offer things about yourself that you didn’t even know. I don’t mean lies, at least not on my part. I mean stuff that you thought was buried so deeply that you thought no one would be able to penetrate that far.
So here I sit, once again, plotting against myself in the war of the blokes. Saw a guy in the store last night whom I am sure looked exactly like Mr. Florida/England from a ways back. I just stared at him. He just stared at me…. then his wife walked up. Ahem…..
I’m truly putting this out to the universe. Being on one’s own — ok being on my own is not a bad thing. Leaving behind the online blokes is a good thing. Yesterday heard from someone I hadn’t heard from in over a month. Shock and surprise. Where are those feelings I used to have? I seem to have no emotion. What do I care about? Sure, I take a shower in the morning (or evening), brush my teeth, comb my hair, put lotion and deodorant in all the right places, make sure my clothing is clean, pressed and retexturized (a tv ad from long ago), and I’m ready for the world.
Today was not one of those days. I got all the way up to “I’m ready for the world,” and went to work, then left two hours later. Felt sick. Still feel a bit yucky. Is it that I will have no online friends when I get to this evening? Will one of the long forgotten ones fly swiftly back into my sight lines? Then my mind goes to the one still left in town who is dealing with lots of personal issues, most of which will be resolved soon. Until then, what do I do?
Make plans to go to Oklahoma in July. Ah, geez, I’m rambling. Should be working again on my artist statement for the website, but am opting to take a nap.
Good day, sweet friends. I shall return later for another epithet. Read on, McFriends.
Later……… zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
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