a night for reflection…

Tonight, I am in total confusion.  I no longer know if I’m in a search, or indeed what I could be seeking.  I want to go away…. a long way away.  I want to sit in the woods and feel the earth, and I want the earth to feel me.

I am heavily into a fabric commission, and would like to take off this week from work to finish it…. or get close to finishing it.  

Today, only my son can make me laugh or smile.  I can not do it for myself.  Did this person on Saturday get too close to the feeling I was looking for?  I could sit with him for hours, but sitting with him for hours would achieve nothing but having sat for hours.  I lose sense of purpose, and want only to think of nothing. I’m now wondering whether this person is usurping energy from me.  Since I feel totally zapped after seeing him.  He looks so sick and near death.  I must resist the urge to be around him.  Vampires do exist.  Oh, lord, help us all.  Vampires do exist.

Please help me remember that.  I do not want to be sucked dry by the thoughts this man has put in my brain.  I must concentrate on that right now.  

For the moment, please excuse me.  I must set up a barrier…for him, for “big stinky”, for “hairy chest man”, for “ebenezer”, for “wanna have sex guy”, for “pink emails”, for “hi kitten”, for “irrational fear of large woman guy”, for “Charlie one nite stand from Jackson”, for them and all the rest.  I need, at this moment, to protect myself from them all.

Thank you for understanding.

I’ll be back tomorrow to let you know that I have survived the situation.

later…………………

 

off to collect the laundry…

Every day can be laundry day when you have a washer.  However, every day is not a great day for hanging the clothes and other sundry items on the clothesline outside.  In the winter, I would wash the clothes, hand them on two clotheshorses outside then bring them in for the night, take them back outside in the morning.  This took a couple of days of shunting things from place to place, the kitchen being the evening resting place for the horses.

In the weather of yesterday – blustery and warm – clothing would have been dry in a couple of hours.  Today, of course, it’s cool and overcast, suddenly turning to blue skies with lovely white clouds.  Our weather usually comes from the west, so really I should be looking west instead of east and south as I am at the moment.  So, I’m off to collect the laundry from various places in the house….towels and kicked off undies from the bathroom, some extraneous clothing from the bedroom chair, a couple of jackets and some unspeakables left in the kitchen from when I was too lazy to take them anywhere else.  There is a set of sheets hidden somewhere in the house awaiting their turn – oh and the bedspread.  Time for another turn.  

Drawback of having one machine in the garage?  One load at a time.  It’s almost worth the effort with today’s laundry, to go to the laundromat.  Do all the wash at one time….. half hour at most.  Do all the drying in electric monster dryers all at once………. half hour at most.  Fold….. another 20 minutes.  Done.  Go home and put the stuff away.  Less ironing to do with the electric dryer, towels are not scratchy and don’t have the lovely outdoorsy smell.  Don’t use those icky smelly things people put in the dryers — think the neighbor has changed brands.  I get the smell of “Bounce” or whatever that stuff’s called some days when I’m in the clay studio.  Gag me.

Why is there no dryer here?  Little did I know when I let the moving men take away the old washer and dryer from here (a little gift), that there was a gas dryer hookup and NO 220 OUTLET!!!!

Horrors.  I had a fairly new dryer.  Worked perfectly.  Now nowhere to plug it in.  Landlady willing, but electricians said it would be dicey on the existing electrical boxes to the house.  Oh well.  Now that spring has sprung, I have installed a rotary umbrella clothesline that suits me fine.  Had to buy clothespins!  I do love the clothesline.  Learned to love it in England, love it here, too.

So…. back to today.  I’m putting off doing nearly everything!  Did do some work in the fabric studio already today, but stopped to watch Andy Griffith Show – the one in Mayberry.  It was, surprisingly, one I hadn’t seen.  Very early on.  One in which their southeastern Noth Calina accents were thick as a mule’s lip, as was their hog-tyin’, goofball actin’ characters.  With the exception of Aunt Bee, all were very different than the characters into which they all developed.  In the later shows, Andy still has a knowing drawl, but all the hokey-fied country bumpkin stuff had all but disappeared.  I didn’t realize until recently that there was a freaking message in each show.  I used to watch it every day before work in the old days.  Calmed my weary soul.  Now I can see why I got solace from that at-times comedic half hour (actually 20 minutes).

Errands will fill the morning – including getting the week’s flowers…. roses this week I think.  At $10/dozen, even I can fit them into my meager budget.  And by the way, just this morning I got my first delivery of fresh produce from Farm Fresh to You, a local organic farm that delivers to your door!  TO YOUR DOOR, mind you!!!!  Opened the front door, and there on the step was a box filled to the brim with amazingly wonderful veggies and fruits.  From yellow watermelon to cilantro, broccoli to carrots and snap peas…… and so much more!  I am so chuffed by this… wanted to do it for a long time.  I had a whole fresh carrot in celebration.  Lovely.  http://www.farmfreshtoyou.com/index.php

Well, body’s dry from the shower, hair getting there.  Time to do laundry.  Still a bit of a breeze out there, but the sky is clear and ready to take my clothesline for a ride.

I’m ready for the world today….especially since I worked Monday and get to take today off in lieu.  Huzzah!

Hope your day is good.

later……… 

promises, promises….

I’m writing this because I said I would. Dinner was the worst. Bandera is part of a chain of restaurants that each has it’s own name — thus, inability to link by name unless you know. Known for their Bandera-style roasted chicken (over a visible open flame which I think is all done with mirrors and holograms), and cornbread. All I can say is yick. The cornbread is a lump of greasy mess with a few pieces of corn thrown in, some onions and some flavourless peppery looking things. I had two bites. One was like a crust of sugar, followed by a lump of salt. At least stir the ruddy stuff before baking. That was a wash. We both ordered the chicken, hers with mashed potatoes, mine with green rice and we shared a side of broccoli, the flavour of which was unfathomable, sort of like water, lime and butter or something. And much too soft for either of our tastes. Now, mind you, we were not drinking — that would have enhanced the dishes immensely, I imagine.

The main thing that concerned me was that the bones were cut… not taken apart at their natural linkages. So, the place where the thigh and drumstick met were slashed apart, leaving the drumstick with half a joint bleeding into the rest of the piece. I mentioned it to the server, and she said it was always like that.

I forgot to mention that they seated us right by the door at first – my friend asked to be away from the door, and they seated us as far in the back of the place as possible at a tiny table for two (5 year olds). We both just looked at her and she took us to a larger table in the middle of the restaurant. Tip %age going down?

I had to leave the talk we went to, go to the bathroom, and just decided to leave because I felt so bad. Mind you that was over an hour ago and I still feel awful. When you feel as though you’re losing your innards from both ends at the same time, it’s not at all fun. (back from another toidy run)

The intuitive ran the show rather differently. Tomorrow, I’ll have to ask my friend what the psychic said. I was a bit preoccupied. It was something about going back more than the usual 7 generations to do healing. Back to the beginning.

I’ll ask her tomorrow.

’til then, I’m going to sleep as much as I can, and drink water so as not to get dehydrated. I think I’ll just go out drinking from now on. Forget about the food! Wine, bring me mead, and a draught of my favourite ale! I’ll show them! Now, I’m totally losing it. Off to bed with me, I say.

I love you all!!!!

intuitive reader, here I come….

Had forgotten I said I would take a friend to see this woman tonight. She’s quite good, actually. Saw a few things when I first met her that very few if any had been brave enough to tell me. So this friend says yesterday, “When is that woman going to do her group again?” I said it was Tuesday night, not being truly sure.

We are going to have dinner first, then go to the group – at a local bookstore once a month. We sit in a circular formation, and the reader just goes round the room channeling bits and bobs of information and then tells each of us in turn. If we have a specific question, we can ask that, too. Sometimes she will concentrate a lot on one person, like she did on me last month (my first experience with this woman).

Ah, I have to take a shower now. Then must leave in about 40 minutes. Funny how you can’t get the shower out of your mind once you decide it’s time to take one!

I’ll report later when I get home, about both the dinner and the intuitive reader.

By the way, got a note yesterday from the IRS that my economic stimulus package of $600 would be in my mailbox by 5/23. Today I got another letter – a rather thick one – that said that I owed them another 200+ dollars. Bloomin’ heck. I was just planning to spend the cash on myself. Now I’m just going to put the remaining $400 in the bank for the State of California who are bound to find me out of balance on my 2007 tax return.

If it isn’t one thing, it’s another. Haven’t read today’s properly to see what it’s all about. Better write a check and read about it later, or I’ll have another day’s delinquency to add. Bother

Today I read the obit of John M. Lewis, my college orchestra conductor. He was 94, I believe, when he passed a few weeks ago. Then read another of a French horn player I had worked with alot in the past, Joe Axup. And just a couple of days ago heard of the passing of my college piano teacher, Tom Gentry, a tall man known to one and all as the jolly queen giant.

Those legends are history. Their legacies live within me. Will I one day produce legacy for my students, acquaintances and friends? It is up to my generation now.

later, friends………..

I’m as corny as Kansas in August….

(homage to Oscar Hammerstein II) high as a flag on the 4th of July, if you’ll excuse the expression I use, I’m in love with a wonderful guy.  I’m in a conventional dither, with a conventional star in my eye, and you will note there’s a lump in my throat when I speak of that wonderful guy!  (Sigh…)

No, don’t go crazy on me.  I’m just practicing that song for the time when I find him and need a song to sing! No, dears, I used to think I would find someone, and within a very short time be totally in love, and be living together in love and lust forever more, just like in the musicals.  A tiny portion of my brain still believes that, but it has been shoved to the back for now while I let go of so much of my recent past. Perhaps I will have to do that writing that I thought I could avoid.  Now, I spend time thinking of not writing when I might as well be just writing that dang stuff down.

And then I hear that it’s possible that what he whom I seek may appear in a different form than I am expecting.  Will I see that?  Will I miss it?  I will trust that I will see and not miss that for which I am destined.

So serious tonight, eh?

Life is serious business.  This morning after a glorious massage from Galen, I realized that I hadn’t laughed aloud for a couple of days.  That concerns me.  I really think it’s lack of sleep from three nights of bizarre happenings — perhaps I dreamt them all and none of it really happened.  I’ll never know, for I was here alone being “as corny as Kansas in August” etc.

I know what I would like now.  More than anything.  I saw this in a vision during the massage today.  I know this person with whom I was walking a path.  It’s as though I have known him forever.  We have walked this path countless times, walking and talking.  He listens, I talk.  I listen, he talks.  We walk.  I also saw the completion of my latest fabric piece, and the shape and decoration of the next few pottery pieces.  

And now, for my efforts, I will take myself back into the bedroom and have a moonlight zizz – a sleep for those of you who don’t get zizz.  My left eye is tired of being open and is ready to close for the night; the right one refuses to work on its own, so I have no alternative but to sleep, or at least rest my eyes as my grandpa used to say when being nudged by grandma.

Finally realized that my car was getting all sticky underneath the tree in my driveway!  Blamed it on all sorts of things before I came to my senses with that one.  

So tomorrow is going to be another scorcher, I believe.  Someone told me it was 105 degrees here today.  Not my idea of fun.  Have a bit of sunburn on my face.  Kept the rest covered up.  So I munch on cold watermelon and drink cool water to keep my personal temp down.  Ok.  Now falling asleep.  Must hurry before I only make it as far as the living room and crash on the couch.  The body would complain in the morning!

Good night sweet people.  Come back to me again soon.  Lovely Jupiter, J. you old sweetie!

later…………..

Forward, march….

I’m finding myself feeling less than at peace for a few days now. A sort of merry-go-round of values, of emotions, of mice and men.

Watched a film called Brooklyn Lobster – a sleeper in the movie houses. Brought this woman to tears at the end. Perhaps it was the sight of Danny Aiello and Jane Curtin aging before my eyes; perhaps it was the plight of the small business owner, nearly a thing of the past.

I think, most of all, it’s the freakishly hot weather here in Sacramento. I think it could reach 105 or so today. Yes, I said 105 degrees F. It was blistering hot at 4pm yesterday, and today, May 16 promises to be even hotter. Yoikes! Not too keen on that at all. This is unseasonably hot for May.

Believe that I’m having the slightest bit of difficulty with the ceasing of communication with the online blokes. I realized last night on the way home, that it is a sort of friendship circle. They are always there, at your service, 24/7/52/365(6), perving women or other men on THOSE websites. There is always a friend ready to talk. You make friends fast on those sites. You offer things about yourself that you didn’t even know. I don’t mean lies, at least not on my part. I mean stuff that you thought was buried so deeply that you thought no one would be able to penetrate that far.

So here I sit, once again, plotting against myself in the war of the blokes. Saw a guy in the store last night whom I am sure looked exactly like Mr. Florida/England from a ways back. I just stared at him. He just stared at me…. then his wife walked up. Ahem…..

I’m truly putting this out to the universe. Being on one’s own — ok being on my own is not a bad thing. Leaving behind the online blokes is a good thing. Yesterday heard from someone I hadn’t heard from in over a month. Shock and surprise. Where are those feelings I used to have? I seem to have no emotion. What do I care about? Sure, I take a shower in the morning (or evening), brush my teeth, comb my hair, put lotion and deodorant in all the right places, make sure my clothing is clean, pressed and retexturized (a tv ad from long ago), and I’m ready for the world.

Today was not one of those days. I got all the way up to “I’m ready for the world,” and went to work, then left two hours later. Felt sick. Still feel a bit yucky. Is it that I will have no online friends when I get to this evening? Will one of the long forgotten ones fly swiftly back into my sight lines? Then my mind goes to the one still left in town who is dealing with lots of personal issues, most of which will be resolved soon. Until then, what do I do?

Make plans to go to Oklahoma in July. Ah, geez, I’m rambling. Should be working again on my artist statement for the website, but am opting to take a nap.

Good day, sweet friends. I shall return later for another epithet. Read on, McFriends.

Later……… zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

ooh baby, ooh baby

There’s nothing like hearing those words above from a bloke who’s known you about 10 minutes.  That’s the norm for some of the dating websites, and other sites which will here remain anonymous!  As for me, I hate it with a greater amount of passion than I ever thought possible.  And I can get quite passionate!

I am on my final landing after the past year and a half of flying all over the universe, stopping for fuel here and there, and finding out that men have issues.  Yes, they do…. the silly creatures.  I sit here today, feeling so good, listening to the…. what the heck is that?  Oh, it’s the gardener using the edging machine.  Why do they have to do the metal to concrete thing anyway?  Is that their only way of knowing that they are in the right place.  Do a woman’s moans indicate you’re in the right place, or merely tell the man to keep going — you’re on the right track, or as many women have indicated to me about mens’ intelligence where friction is concerned…. I’m getting tired of this, so I’ll moan a bit and he’ll think I’m satisfied and maybe he’ll go away.

I am amazed at the number of women who desire no intimacy with their husbands/partners/boyfriends.  Isn’t that part of the deal?  Please tell me it is, for part of what I’ve searched for these past months is someone with whom I desire intimacy…. someone whose body smells good au natural….. someone who will take me to places as yet unknown to me – and I don’t mean Katmandu or New Zealand.

I feel a bit of an edge to my words this morning.  Perhaps it is appropriate that the gardener is using the edger right now.  

Try as I might, the 12 men I have met in the past 4 weeks have driven me nearly round the bend.  This is not an exercise in futility.  This is an exercise for me to see myself for who I am, for what I desire, what I think I desire, and what I think I deserve.  Boy has that changed in the past few weeks.  Yes, I am looking for the silver lining…. for that full plate….. 

You know what I have discovered?  Ok folks, here it is in living, loving black and white….

IT’S OK TO BE ON MY OWN, SINGULAR (as my best friend calls it), HAPPY, COMFORTABLE, AT PEACE WITHIN MYSELF.

Whew…that’s a big one.

Of course, that doesn’t preclude the fact that if that lovely landscape architect from San Juan Capistrano ever came to my door I would most likely melt and run together at the sight of him in person.  Or the yummy guy from the north of England whose nether regions make chills run up and down my spine, and for that matter his witticisms and craziness and laughter!

Oh no, ladies and gentlemen, I am still open for business, just not the online “dating” sites.  I have separated myself from all 5 or 6 that once had me as a solid, embroiled member.  No more alerts that I have a wink from Tubaruba69, or an email from butchieinakron telling me that he loves me just by looking at the photos and reading my profile.  A year and a half ago, I would have fallen for that.  I didn’t even give in recently when I had an email from a guy who couldn’t spell, who emailed me that he had just “bot to new pilos and a matrus pad” so that when I came to visit, I’d be comfortable in his bed.  Ho hum.  It’s enough to turn a woman into a celibate recluse.  

Perhaps one day, instead of B.A., M.M. following my name, it will be C.R. – less wear and tear on the nether regions – but I fear if I continue to feel as I do today, it will be H.C.R. (horny celibate recluse).

For now, give me a pile of fabric and a pair of scissors, for I am bound for the fabric studio to make headway on my newest commission.  

Huzzah and all that rot!!

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.  For today.

later……….