They’re baaa-aaack…

Well, good buddies, here I sit.  Grounded as I have never been grounded before.  I’m out of the Match Game…back into the universal patience of old.  I’m going to make this a brief entry, since I have a great tiredness that has come over me lately (for the past 25 minutes!).  I want to be at home, I want to eat chocolate and cookies, I want to finish that one commission so that I can leave the commissioner behind me, I want to obsess about not reading peoples’ profiles on the online dating sites.  Who’s back?  A couple of people I used to write emails to prior to the insanity of the past few months.  I know these people.  I want them to be around me again. 

I will spend some time soon telling you of the conclusions I have drawn from these experiences…these nutty, wacko times that I let myself into.  Until then, I will continue writing about each person in turn on my other computer while finding out about how much I can tell about them without being prosecuted for defamation or telling the truth.  I’ve finished only one bit of writing I will allow you to think of as a caricature, but what is the absolute truth.  These men have been a strange amalgam of personalities, of sameness, of obvious differences.  I guess the binding factor is that they’re all men.  One said I did his inventory as I told him in an email that I didn’t want to see him.  I guess I send mixed messages…hello!  I am a reflection of what I receive. 

Best for me to stop writing right now and continue later after pottery class tonight.  Sleep, how you pull me toward you with such strong arms, as does a man who wants you in a certain position…the strength of ten men as he pulls your body just so.  Must sleep. 

Later… 

met the last one, by cracky!

Whether or not he will be the last one forever, I don’t know. All I do know is that the man I met today will be the last in a very long line of online manhunt guys I went in search of back in 1997 — just kidding…in May of 2007. This short 5 months has been bizarre, to say the least. Having put my life on the line, and to have thought nothing of it is horrifying to me today, but was something I had to do.

The last man standing (or lms as I will call him) was the sweetest, kindest, most generous person I have met in all these last months of blatant judgmentalness of seeking out people by where they live, whether or not they have facial hair or dead wives. (Apologies to all well-adjusted widowers.) Lms drove one hour – I drove 15 minutes – to a meeting place near here in Davis. He, as would be expected was there half an hour early; I was there on time having had a most marvelous massage after which I knew full well I could run a marathon that afternoon in the usual 4 hours. HAH! For those of you who know me, you understand the HAH! Well, it was a most enjoyable time — nearly four hours of just talk, talk, talk, listen, listen, listen, eat lunch, talk and listen some more. We laughed at each other and at ourselves, he interjected, “I love your hair,” just as a woman passed by us – I thought he was talking to her, but he was actually talking to me!

It was ok to part after those hours. It didn’t even seem to matter about our next meeting. Would there be a next meeting? Who should bring it up? When I said something about not knowing where we were on the subject, he said, “Well, I was hoping we would meet again. Would that be ok with you?” After I stopped giggling and responded that I would be quite happy to meet again, I glanced at him and was met with a broad smile and a knowing nod.

We will continue to email and phone and meet. This slow-get-to-know-you is so foreign to me. With very few exceptions, every relationship I can recall has been a whirlwind, at times ending up with someone I barely knew. I asked him why I was sitting there on that bench talking to him. We talked about that incessantly for quite a while…everything from dating in your late 50s to why some people need another person and why some people might need someone but either deny it or just become resigned to the fact that it’s not worth the energy it takes to do the searching. And then there are those who feel that no one could ever love them — or even like them. I went through that this evening with a friend………one of my worst periodic characteristics. The why-would-anyone-want-to-be-with-me deal. Sure, I recognize some of my best characteristics, but the actuality refers to why would anyone else be interested in that? Surely they have a fatal flaw like all the rest!?!

This man was interesting, and it wasn’t all talk about himself. Right now I’m so tired that I’m babbling. It’s nearly midnight, and I’ve had an excruciatingly exhausting 5 months. Now that I have to deal with only one person, I feel like I can deal with the days and nights.

See all of you all later…

Fourth day and counting…

Well, dear friends, I swore off the online “seek-em, tweak-em, freak-em” sites on Sunday.  No more plentyoffish, no more bbw, no more yahoo, etc.  I have stayed on Match only because I still have one man to meet this weekend…yes, we do communicate outside that venue, but there’s something about knowing that you’re still connected with a person by that route.  (In denial, I hear you say)……bah!

I am strangely at peace, and have returned to the clay studio in the back yard with renewed energy and enthusiasm.  Three nights in the studio, and several pots to show for it.  It does take me slightly longer than the usual wheel thrown pot since I do coil-bulding on the larger pots and pinching on the smaller ones.  What matters is that I’m happy and am planning a show — a retrospective — in January…venue to be discussed.  Must not stop a good thing.

I’ve started using a white clay body that is more reminiscent of the clay body I used in Taos this summer.  I’ve done a few small seed pots, one large vessel for holding water (with pouring capabilities), two small vase-like affairs – one incised a bit.  I would quite like to have my own kiln, since the place where I currently fire is ok but unpredictable.  And I have to haul everything I do back and forth four times…1. first firing, 2. home to glaze, 3. back for second firing, 4. home after second firing.   Looking into that right now, except that the studio has no 220 line.  Aren’t there some kilns with less than 220?

Feeling a little strange about Saturday’s meeting.  It will be in Davis, and the person will be traveling from Napa.  Actually finally allowed myself to look forward to the event just a little bit.  Now I’ve set it aside again.  I’m sure this page will be graced with my thoughts again after Saturday’s meeting.

Toyed with the idea of doing some writing about the men I have met…but as one person has pointed out, it would be bringing it all up again – I would have to relive it all again.  Perhaps that would be a good thing.  Any thoughts?  Others have encouraged me to write, since it’s all so danged interesting.  Help – what to do.  The only drawback is that it would take time away from the art again……but I don’t spend every waking moment aside from work in the studios.  Arghhhhhhhhh!

Deep breath, take it in stride.  Everyone feels tired and confused.  I’m right where I’m supposed to be…as are you.

Later…